There’s been a weird tension these last 5 months; life seems to be moving quickly but slowly at the same time. My days rush ahead, but my soul and spirit are in the same place as yesterday; always waiting, always wanting.
It’s been hard to write, it’s been hard to be honest about the weird tension I feel about the here and now.
It’s not wrong, it’s not always bad or hard, it’s just… slow.
I’ve been in the same job since May of last year.
I’ve bounced around a few houses but found the one that I can finally settle in.
I’ve been in a relationship that seems to be moving along at it’s own desired pace.
I’ve found a few deep friendships and community groups where I’ve been given the permission to be real and honest.
I’ve worked through some soul healing.
And I’ve been intentional about the things that bring me joy and give me life.
There’s a lot of good happening and these are things I’ve longed for for quite sometime.
But the thing that shakes me up and brings me to tears is that I’m not satisfied.
It’s funny, I know the truth that things, people, small groups, church, etc. don’t satisfy us as humans, they’re great additions to life, but they won’t give us the longing we were created to have. I’ve ranted and pushed and challenged those around me with that truth; but I’m realizing how much I just don’t get it.
It’s such a long drawn out process that doesn’t seem to ever end.
I disconnected from the world yesterday, just for an hour.
I went on a long walk around the town and through the park while conversing with the Lord about the hard reality of where I am in life; unsatisfied, pressed, and tired.
I told Him that I didn’t want to keep doing what I was doing and wanted something different, then He posed me with a question:
“But will you do it anyway?
Will you press in?
Will you stay where you are regardless of how you feel?
You don’t need another thing to add to your life, Andrea, you just need Me.”
I got frustrated, offended even, but I know it was the truth that I needed to hear.
The things I have aren’t created to make me happy, they aren’t there to make it easy or better.
The one important thing I’m learning in this season is how to push through the hard things when everything in me wants to give up and walk away, because perseverance brings character, and character brings hope.
I have everything I need to get through the slow, long, drawn out days, and it’s Jesus.
I think we all need to be reminded of that truth every now and then.
Because though for me, life isn’t all that hard and challenging in comparison to most, it’s still hard and challenging; there are things big and small that are poking at my pride, people who rub against me the wrong way and leave me angry, relationships that take time, vulnerability and trust, and a job that sometimes feels redundant and demanding.
It’s all real, it’s all hard, but it’s also so rewarding to choose to fight through the challenge and say yes to them.
I know you can relate in some aspect.
“End well” are the words I hear for you and I; wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whatever this relates to, end your day well, end your season well.
End with a praise of sorts.
End knowing that saying YES to whatever the circumstance is building your character.
End knowing that Jesus is for you, just as He is me.
End knowing that regardless of your circumstance, good or bad, isn’t going to bring satisfaction; there’s only One that can, and He’s fighting along side you today cheering you on as you go.
You can do it friend, I believe in you.
