“It starts with a blank canvas.”
I finally heard Him loud and clear after rattling over and over the things that were so strong in my heart over a glass of wine.
Today I gave my life a good hard look and realized how directionless, vision-less, and goal-less it was.
I live day to day, and though I sometimes feel like I’ve mastered this “be in the present” mindset, it’s drained the visionary dreamer inside of me.
It’s somehow made that part become so far gone that I don’t even know how to allow that become something important again.
All day today my thoughts were so loud that it was hard to hear where He was or if He was even near.
I’ve let out a few whispers to see if maybe he might speak, but all I heard was silence.
I decided to take matters in my own hands and made the firm decision that I was going to go back to college, even though it wasn’t fully thought through.
I told this idea to my friend while driving this afternoon and he asked me what I wanted a degree in, I rattled off every degree that I knew and gave reasons as to why I thought it could be good or helpful in my future.
After hearing his lecture about how it’s a waste of time to go to school with no real vision of what I want to do, I finally confessed I wanted a quick fix; I wanted to start moving towards a goal and come out the other side with a tangible thing in my hands.
I wanted to do something with my life and feel purposeful again.
I left my confession in the car this afternoon, I didn’t want to carry that around so I pretended it wasn’t said and the Lord didn’t hear it.
The Lord had me revisit those words this evening, He didn’t push or pry, but instead simply brought the feelings back when no one else was around and the only one I could talk to was Him.
I whined and complained while He sat and listened.
I told Him how frustrated I was that He gives others a clear vision but not me.
I told Him how unfair it was that I long to be a part of a Kingdom dream and go after a goal but all I hear from Him are His simple desires for each day- no vision for the future, no nothing.
“Don’t you want this for me? What am I even aiming towards?” I asked Him.
“To bring others freedom” He whispered.
I got angry,
“But what about Your vision for my life? What about that goal I can start walking towards? What about passion?”
He then gave me a clear picture of that blank canvas, the same canvas that He gave me last year before moving to Georgia.
“Create something, daughter,” He said.
“It starts with a blank canvas”.
Right now, I’m not sure how to even do that.
But if you’re in a similar position as me, maybe it starts with closing your eyes, picking up your paint brush, letting go of control, and creating strokes of paint across what was once blank trusting that the Father is painting your canvas with you.
