Relationship.

I’m realizing how little I know about Him.
When I think I have it all figured out,
I fall to my face in confusion the moment something in my life starts to crumble before my eyes.
I start to question who I am.
Who am I?

The thing is,
if I knew Him,
truly knew everything there was to know about Him,
my reality or circumstances wouldn’t bring questioning to my identity or life.

But, I think that’s the beauty of it.
The beauty of grace and all of it’s profound-ness.
The beauty of life and humanity.
Because it truly is a profound moment when the Lord reminds us of who we are, just humans.
He reminds us in the kindest way that we are not God.
That we don’t know our future after all.
That we don’t need to.
That we can’t hold firmly to earthly pleasures and treasures.
He reminds us that we need Him.

It’s beautiful to be reminded of these things, you know.
I sit here trying to make sense of it all,
I beg and cry the questions of
“why” and “where are You”
When all I hear in response is,
“go kayaking”,
“creation has its own song”,
“look at how many trees are over there”,
and “i’m going to give you a telescope, you know.”
I hear responses that just don’t relate or make any sense to my current situations.

I go on thinking that maybe it wasn’t meant to be
or maybe I don’t hear Him as clearly as I thought.
But, He told me about kayaking, the trees, creations song, and about a telescope that I want…

I begin to rattle off something profound from those short lined comments, comments that have no hidden meaning.
And then I realize that’s all that they are- just simple comments with no hidden meaning.

But why?

Why were they said?

maybe I wasn’t clear enough,
maybe I wasn’t loud enough,
maybe I didn’t cry enough.

And then the simple yet profound revelation hits me,
these responses were made yet again to invite me into relationship with Him. 

I often miss it,

I miss that the Lord isn’t trying to change the subject or be mean by not giving me the answer that i’m looking for.
He is after all just meeting me where I am and letting me feel,
because he knows and understands how feeling is so important to me.
He intentionally tells me about things that bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face, because He simply cares about me, my heart and my smile.

It’s not important for me to know my future and the detailed reason of why things happen the way that they do, but what is important is relationship.
And that’s just what He’s doing, inviting me into deeper relationship by talking about the tree’s, birds songs, and telescopes… because these are things that I understand, these are things that I can grasp, these are the things that I am certain about.

He doesn’t always intend for me to get lost in His infinite truth and reality.
Often times I realize that I miss the beauty of grace; the beauty of God becoming man so that he can relate on our level, knowing that we can never fully communicate.
I miss that He wants to talk to me about sunrises, telescopes, kayaking, waves, and trees- because I can understand these things.

I will never fully understand Him;
I will never understand theology,
the resurrection,
dying to myself,
the idea of true and holy sacrifice,
but I’m not meant to and He knows that.

He delights in my efforts to learn more about His infinite truth and goodness, I know this to be true.
But I’m sure that even if I did know all there was to know about the reason for this or for that, my desire wouldn’t be to know those things; but more so to that which I already have access to.
Just to be in relationship with Him now, to sit at His feet now, and delight in His goodness now.

I don’t care what my future holds,
I don’t care to know the reasons of why and how come.
I have access to a relationship with my Father through Jesus,
and that’s all that I will ever need.