I moved again.
What else is new?
After starting my job back in May things have changed drastically
and living in CGA housing made me feel caught in between two things.
I kept begging the Lord to tell me what to do,
Should I move?
Should I stay?
One day I would wake up and ask the question,
“Father, what should I do?”
“Stay.” I’d hear Him say.
The next day I would do the same thing,
“Father, what should I do?”
“Move.” I’d hear Him say.
In my minds eye I’d feel like I was at a cross roads
with the two answers opposite of each other
I’d glance back and forth at the two wondering which one to pick.
At the end of the day, I’d throw in the towel feeling defeated.
At the beginning of this month,
I began to get the impression that it was time to make a decision.
I was already entering into a new season of life
and Fall semester of CGA was just around the corner,
meaning I needed to move out by September.
I needed to make a decision, but I just couldn’t.
What if I made the wrong one?
What if it wasn’t in line with what the Lord wanted?
I was afraid.
After bouncing back and forth with pros and cons of both moving and staying,
I finally made a decision.
I moved out.
And at the end of the day, it was the best decision for me.
This process brought a revelation;
often time we ask and beg the Lord to give us a clear YES or NO.
We hold back and come up with some ridiculous excuse because we’re afraid our decision won’t be in line with His will.
Maybe we hear two different answers
or maybe we don’t hear anything at all…
so we wait until we know.
We sit waiting for life to happen to us.
and then we miss it.
we miss out on so many opportunities and life experience because we’re afraid…
but what are we really afraid of?
Being wrong? ok.
Messing up? ok.
Making the wrong decision? ok.
But what does that all even mean?
Does it even matter?
Fear enslaves you from experiencing abundant life.
We miss the beauty of making mistakes.
We miss the beauty of taking risks.
We miss the beauty of experiencing God’s grace.
We miss the beauty of experiencing the unconditional love of the Father.
We miss the beauty of intimate, real, honest relationship with Him.
We miss the beauty of taking steps of faith toward unfamiliar terrain.
Instead we choose to stay inside the boat, just staring at the water.
I want to be like Peter.
I’d rather walk out in the open sea while it’s storming and sink.
I’d rather live an uncomfortable life full of uncertainty than a life of comfort.
I’d rather not know than know.
I’d rather take a risk and be wrong than never know.
I’d rather accidentally walk in the wrong direction and be led back
than take no direction at all.
In my dream the other day I was screaming,
“BE IN YOUR LIFE”
I woke up immediately after and I began to let that sink in.
Be in your life.
To me, it means taking more risk.
It means taking responsibility for my actions.
It means taking action instead of talking about it.
It means taking a deep breath and being thankful that I’m alive.
It means acknowledging the beauty that surrounds me every day.
It means being in the moment.
It means making my yes a yes and my no a no.
It means knowing my needs and what’s best for me.
It means not letting that ridiculous fear of decision making keep me from moving forward.
It’s true that I want to live my life in the way that pleases my Father,
but I’m reminded once again that He’s already pleased with me no matter what decisions I make and He entrusts me to make good ones.
I’m not going to wait for life to happen to me anymore,
I’m going to make life happen.
Because at the end of the day, the decisions I make don’t dictate how much or how little He loves me.
At the end of the day, I know that I’m loved in full by my Heavenly Father and He’s proud of me not because of anything that I do but because of who I am.
