Learning to trust again.

I’m learning that God doesn’t take a promise away.
I think somewhere along the lines I started to think that He did.
I’m not sure where, when, or what happened,
but I started to question His character… or something.

Recently He asked me to let go of something that looked a lot like His promise.
I didn’t understand what He meant, so gave it back to Him and a few days later it was gone.

I fell asleep crying, confused, uncertain, frustrated, and hurt.
In the midst of that I chose to say,
“but You’re good, You promised good things, You’re with me, You’re for me, You’re worth it even if I don’t get to keep it, You’re all I need, and I trust You over the promises.”
Because it’s true.
It’s the cry of my heart.
It’s what I want to choose to stand in.
I refuse to let the lies cloud my mind, especially in my most vulnerable moments because that isn’t who I am.
I’m a woman of faith and trust.

Sometimes, He asks us to let go and give Him back of what He promised, 
because He’s better than the thing promised.
The promise doesn’t always look how we imagined it
and maybe sometimes it temporarily leaves to come back at a better time and in a better way…
who knows, I sure as hell don’t.

But what I do know is that we’re so quick to put our trust in the promised thing instead of the One that promised it.
We replace Him with His promise and make that our foundation.
If He’s not before the promise, what are we standing on?
Are you willing to give up the promise if it’s at the cost of just having Him?
Is that enough for you?
All good things point back to Him, did we miss that?
Did I miss that?

As of right now, His promises seem to far fetched for me to even wrap my mind around. I could sit for hours trying to play out all the scenarios in my head of how they could happen. I could sit for even longer replaying the “but what about this?” and “this looked similar to what you promised, why didn’t it work?”
Marriage?
Nations even?
But maybe that’s why I don’t have them yet, because at this point there’s no way I can steward them well or maybe it doesn’t exactly fit where the Lord has me.
Regardless of the reason why and my lack of understanding, it just is what it is.
And whatever it is, is perfectly okay.
It’ll happen when it happens.
I’m not God, so why should I try to play His role?

The good news is that I’m only meant to focus on the promise I have for today and today He told me that He’s with me.
It’s simple, but I don’t need something complex and profound because if He’s with me then that means I have everything and more.
The simple promise is abundant and all that I need.

It’s a beautiful thing you know.
For reasons I will never fully comprehend,
I find He’s more and more gracious every time that I’m deep in what seemed like His promise but wasn’t quite the real thing.
Instead of Him telling me I went too far or jumped in too fast, 
He just extends an abundance of grace once again and says,
“will you trust me again?”
I could never seem to turn down His invitation.

So I take 30 steps back,
dust myself off,
turn back to Him with open hands of surrender and a heart postured for correction,
remind myself that I’m surrounded by good people, a good job, and a good life,
and relearn to trust Him again.

The promises get me through a hard day or even a hard situation, 
but they aren’t my motivation, He is.
He’s the one that gave them to me.
He’s my motivation to move, go, and do.
So I’m picking up my feet and walking while taking on another day that’s filled with the only promise that I need, Jesus.